A Note To My Aunt

Dear Aunt Flow,

I am writing today to tell you something I have been meaning to tell you for over 20 years. Since I was 10 years old you have made you week long monthly visits. While at first you told me you were here to welcome me to womanhood; today I think you are merely here to annoy me. You have destroyed clothing, cost me over $12 a month, and caused me such embarrassment.

Remember the time you happened to drop by while I was in school? I had to call my dad that day to help me. And remember the day I was serving on jury duty? You were not welcome that day too! How could I not be angry with you for that one. There was no way to hide you that day, and I was mortified! It's like you are stalking me.

And right before you come you send your irritating friend, who I only know by her initials. Ms. PMS makes me say and do things I end up regretting later on. My husband despises her. In fact he won't even let her in the house. But she always seems to force herself in. She also brings with her acne bloating, and headaches. Couldn't her suitcase instead be filled with, perfect skin, a few less pounds, a sunny outlook, and a California attitude?

I have to be honest. I did not miss you the months you were gone. And each time you did not come, I had a new friend come our way. Those friends are adorable and still here, I'll have you know. I remember the days you were not here so fondly. I loved not having to worry about what I was doing that day, or what I was wearing. Oh, and I long for the days that you never come back. But please let your friend Ms. Menopause know that she should leave behind her hot flashes, forgetfulness, moodiness, headaches, joint problems, and weight gain. These are also not welcome.

Lastly, please stop trying to convince me that your coming is a great thing. You have managed to get advertising agencies to say things like: "Have a happy period." Give me a break. There is nothing happy about it!

Sincerely,
Katie